The Marriage Counseling Blog

The question of how much to tell your spouse will arise at some point during the marriage. Some people wonder, “Do I need to tell my spouse everything?” Others assume it is healthy to not tell everything all the time. So the question is, what is the difference between privacy and secrecy? And is it okay not to tell your spouse everything? Could it be harmful to spill the beans about everything?

What’s the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy?

Privacy is healthy. Secrecy is not. So what’s the difference? Webster’s dictionary defines private as “unsuitable for public display.” It defines a secret as “kept from knowledge or view” and “not acknowledged.” Read the rest of this article »

It’s common for couples to disagree over raising the kids. However, these disagreements aren’t necessarily bad. In fact, disagreements about parenting issues can show that you are both involved. What makes the difference in whether or not these disagreements are productive, depends on how you settle them.

Arguing about parenting issues isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it can be a sign that both parents are working together as a team on parenting issues. If you and your spouse are working together to make decisions on how to raise the children, it is inevitable that you’ll disagree at times. The discussions you have when you disagree can be very helpful in addressing important issues. Read the rest of this article »

If you were to complete the rest of the sentence, “My marriage would be good if…” what would you say? What sorts of things do you imagine would need to happen before your marriage could be better? It’s important to recognize that you may not need to experience any big changes. Instead, you may be able to make your marriage better today by using acceptance.

Change the Way You Think

Sometimes people think there needs to be a change before their marriage can be good. For example, a husband may think, “My marriage will be better once my wife starts working again.” Or a wife may think, “Our marriage would be good if my husband wasn’t such a slob.” Waiting for something to change often means you don’t put in any effort to make the marriage better in the meantime. Read the rest of this article »

Marrying someone whose first spouse passed away is much different than marrying someone who has simply been divorced. It’s important to be aware of your spouse’s needs when entering into a marriage with a widow or widower. Unlike when there’s been a divorce, the first marriage didn’t end because it didn’t work out. Therefore, there are some extra things to take into consideration.

Accept Your Spouse’s Past

Don’t pretend your spouse’s first marriage didn’t exist. You’ll need to embrace your spouse’s previous life. In fact, many people who marry a widow say they feel like their marriage includes the first spouse in some way. Read the rest of this article »

There are several things you can work on every single day to improve your marriage. Taking small steps each day can help improve your habits. Over time, it can greatly improve the quality of your relationship. The following four areas can be addressed each day and can help you to gain more skills that can be very helpful to your marriage.

Practice Your Listening Skills

Listening is the most important part of communication. Learning how to actively listen to your spouse can make a big difference. Active listening requires that you show you are interested in what your spouse is saying and it also shows that you are genuinely trying to understand your spouse’s message.

When your spouse is talking to you, avoid other distractions. Turn of the television. Put down the laptop. If you are doing something that cannot wait, tell your spouse that you need another minute or two before you can offer your full attention. Then, when you can give your undivided attention, tell your spouse you are ready to listen. Make eye contact with your spouse to show you are paying attention. Read the rest of this article »

Okay, so you’ve done it with the kids. Maybe you’ve done it 2, 4, 6…a dozen times! Many parents have. But now that it’s time to take a trip for just the two of you, perhaps you might have some hesitation about returning to Walt Disney World without your children (or grandchildren). Put your hesitations aside, say the travel experts. Disney is just as wonderful without the kids, and visiting sans children opens a whole new realm of possibilities!

Disney World is a mecca for adults who love good food, great shows, and top-notch accommodations. Of course, if you’re fond of the rides as well, there’s nothing stopping you from enjoying those, too. But with a little research and planning, you’ll find that a trip to America’s number one vacation destination can be a great way to spend quality time with your significant other, whether you’re goal is to improve your relationship or simply to bask in its wonderfulness. Read the rest of this article »

It’s a goal for every couple to be happy in their marriage. This often means overcoming hiccups, forgiving past grievances, letting go of each others’ little annoyances, and even doing things for the other that you don’t really want to do (like redecorating the house for her or going to football games with him). Doing these things are great and are essential in creating a happy marriage, but after so long of working just to keep the peace with each other and doing things to avoid conflict, couples often discover that they wish their relationship had more flavor. They wish it was more exciting, more vibrant, more passionate, etc. This doesn’t mean that they’re not in love with their spouse or that they’re not happy in their relationship. They just wish their relationship had more excitement, more variety and more…well, flavor. So below are some tips that will help you to create more flavor in your relationship. Read the rest of this article »

If you are concerned about the state of your marriage, you may have considered seeking marriage counseling. However, approaching your spouse about marriage counseling can be a tricky subject. If your feel like your marriage is already on the rocks, it is important to learn how to broach the subject with diplomacy.

Types of Problems Marriage Counselors Address

It’s important to know what sorts of problems marriage counselors can address. The most common problems include issues with communication, problems resolving conflict, and sexual problems.  Sometimes couples attend counseling because they have some general feelings of disconnection or difficulty getting along. Read the rest of this article »

It is important to recognize that minimizing the negative consequences of your behaviors is unhealthy to your marriage. Learning to validate your partner’s feelings and take responsibility for your actions can help resolve a lot of marital problems. However, this requires you to be able to listen to your partner and really hear how your behaviors have impacted your spouse.

What is Minimizing?

Minimizing is a defense mechanism that is a form of denial. If someone minimizes the negative consequences of their behaviors it can help them continue to think “it wasn’t that bad.” Sometimes this helps them justify continuing their behavior. Other times it is an attempt to avoid addressing the issue. Read the rest of this article »

The way people view arguments often has a lot to do with the way they grew up. For example, a person who grew up with a lot of fighting in their home may either think it is normal to argue daily or may go to great lengths to avoid arguments. It is important to note that how you argue is much more important than how often you argue when examining the health of your marriage. Learning the truth about arguments by sorting out the myths can help you learn how arguments impact your marriage.

Myth #1 – Someone Wins an Argument

Arguments should not end with one person winning and the other person losing. If this is the case, you both lose. Disagreements should allow you to each talk about your feelings and your needs. They should allow you to make requests from your partner. However, if you argue to “win” it can be damaging to your relationship. Instead, both people need to be able to walk away from the disagreement feeling like they were heard and understood by their spouse. Read the rest of this article »

There’s been a lot of attention lately abut the relationships between adult kids and their still relatively young parents.  Some “kids” have moved back home because of the poor economy and the high cost of housing.  Other “kids” still need additional monetary support even when working.  I’d like to address some issues not often talked about enough.  So, here are some questions and a few possible answers.  Read the rest of this article »

When your spouse does something that hurts you or that you don’t like, is it okay to punish your spouse? Although many people might initially say that they wouldn’t ever punish their spouse, if they looked more closely at some of their behaviors, they may discover that they have in fact, attempted to punish their spouse at one time or another.

There’s lots of different ways people attempt to teach their spouse “a lesson.” It’s important to examine the motives behind your behaviors and to look at how your behaviors are impacting the marriage. Punishing your spouse is likely going to do more damage to the relationship rather than motivate your spouse to change. Read the rest of this article »

Time-out is a simple, yet very effective tool that can help couples manage their conflict in much healthier ways. Learning how to use time-out effectively can help improve the quality of the marriage. It can also prevent damaging the relationship as it assists each person in calming down before they blurt out those hurtful things they might sometimes say in the midst of a heated argument.

Why Time-Out Works

The more emotional you become, the less logical you are. This is why when people are really angry, they say and do things that they normally wouldn’t. Ever say and do things you later regret? It is because you weren’t thinking clearly at the time. Read the rest of this article »

Keeping Your Marriage Private

Airing out your dirty laundry in your marriage isn’t healthy. In fact, it can be very damaging to your relationship. It’s important to take steps to safeguard your relationship.

Some couples just seem to announce to the world all of their issues and problems. It seems like everyone knows the couple’s financial situation, stressors, and problems. Couples like this tend to talk about one another negatively and don’t have secure enough boundaries to protect their marriage.

Letting other people’s opinions and ideas influence your private relationship is unhealthy. It can break down the marriage as it is no longer a partnership but instead more like a group. Learning how to keep private issues private is important to your marriage. Read the rest of this article »

Most people, especially in the U.S., know nothing about the amazing island of Dominica. It’s commonly confused with that other island that has a similar name – the Dominican Republic, a vacation destination that shares land with neighboring Haiti. But Dominica – an island nation in the Lesser Antilles – is not only miles away from the Dominican Republic geographically speaking but also in mood and attitude. A laid-back island known for its amazing natural beauty, Dominica calls to people who don’t want to spend their time in the Caribbean merely sitting on the beach…though there’s plenty of that to be done. Mainly, however, it attracts vacationers who want a side of adventure with their relaxation.

A Real Dive

Couples who head to Dominica for some down time generally include at least one member of the pair who loves to dive. That’s because this wonderful island – once owned by the British – is a mecca for those who love to SCUBA dive. As a matter of fact, it’s ranked as one of the top 5 dive destinations in the world. Read the rest of this article »

Sometimes before the marriage can improve, it has to get worse. This can be a depressing concept for couples who feel like they are only holding on by a thread. Marriage counseling can help a couple navigate these obstacles as they attempt to make changes to improve their relationship.

The Marriage Dance

Marriage is a dance that requires both partners to step together in some sort of harmony. When one person changes their steps, it causes the other person to have to adjust. These adjustments take some time and work. Sometimes it can feel uncomfortable, causing people to go back to their old ways. Other times, they find a new stride that works even better. Read the rest of this article »

Knowing your unique role and feeling like you have a sense of purpose is bound to make you a better partner. Finding deeper meaning in your life can allow your relationship to skyrocket to a new level. However, many people feel as if they have no idea what their purpose in life is. This can leave them feeling unsettled and can make everything seem less satisfying, including their marriage.

When people are content with themselves and their role, they are more enjoyable to be around and better able to put life’s everyday problems into better perspective. Stress becomes more tolerable and a person’s self-worth increases when they have purpose.   Read the rest of this article »

Marriage counseling can cover a variety of problems and issues. Many couples ask themselves “Is marriage counseling really right for us?”  A professional counselor can provide you with a complete assessment. Marriage counselors offer feedback and suggestions about treatment options and work with you on establishing goals. It’s important to note that you won’t really know how marriage counseling can be helpful until you see a marriage counselor.  However, there are some marital problems that are routinely addressed in marriage counseling.

Parenting and Step-Parenting Issues

Parenting can lead to a variety of marital problems. Learning how to clarify your values about parenting can be helpful. Marriage counseling can also help you learn how to recognize your goals for your children and how to work as a team to reach those goals. Many couples benefit from learning new parenting skills which can reduce their stress and improve the quality of all of their family relationships. Read the rest of this article »

The idea of voluntarily living apart from your spouse is a relatively new concept. In the past, couples who lived apart were thought to be having relationship problems. The exceptions were for families who were in the military or who were separated by other issues, such as incarceration or jobs that required travel. Many couples today are living apart voluntarily. Some of them live in separate cities due to job opportunities.  Others choose to live separately because they like the arrangement. But the question arises: can a commuter marriage be healthy over the long term?

The census bureau reports that approximately 3.1 percent of married couples live apart. It appears that this number is on the rise as well. This doesn’t appear to be the case just for younger couples. The AARP reports that older couples living apart have increased over the years as well. Read the rest of this article »

Feeling angry isn’t bad. However, the choices you make in expressing yourself when you are angry can make a big difference in the health of your marriage. It is important to determine if you are making healthy or unhealthy choices when you feel angry. Learning how to use your anger to make positive change can make a big difference to your marriage and your life.

Healthy Anger

When people express their anger in a healthy way, they are able to talk about their feelings in calm manner. They also recognize that expressing their feelings may not lead to change. And they can accept that. Read the rest of this article »

Does your marriage challenge you to be a better person? Healthy marriages often help people strive to be the best person possible. If you and your spouse aren’t gently helping one another grow, there are some things you can do to help one another.

It is a great goal in life to constantly want to improve. This doesn’t mean you need to have low self-esteem or feel bad about where you are in life now, however, wanting to be a better person can prevent you from growing bored with life. It can help you keep life in perspective and can help you to grow as an individual. Read the rest of this article »

Many couples who come to therapy often complain of “communication problems.” For example, she’ll complain that he gets mad too much and yells. Or he’ll complain she gives him the silent treatment too much. They agree that if they could only communicate better their marital problems would decrease.

As a therapist, there is one communication tip that I give all my couples in order to help them communicate better and stop arguing as much. My advice: “Avoid the Yabbit” (pronounced like rabbit). You’ll know you’re using this yabbit when you catch yourself saying the words, “yeah, but…”.  Couples who use this yabbit often only perpetuate their arguments and even create hotter arguments. Read the rest of this article »

You’ve seen the photos. You’ve heard the stories about moonlit gondola rides through the canals and hand-in-hand strolls down dimly lit streets surrounded by grand buildings that speak of a rich and sometimes tumultuous history. But unless you’ve been to Venice, you don’t really understand the feeling you get when you cross the Bridge of Sighs or listen to the strains of the gondolier as he sings his favorite Italian tune.

Truly, everyone who has even a remotely romantic bone in their body should make a trip to Venice with their special someone. Even the likes of Paris and other “romantic” cities don’t compare with stunning Venice, renowned for its breathtaking Venetian Gothic architecture, its amazing art museums, and – simply – its overall beauty. While many will tell you that Venice has seen better days – some studies suggest the city is sinking and many buildings have been affected – it still ranks as one of the top destinations in Italy and – in fact – in all of Europe. Read the rest of this article »

If you dislike your job, is it possible that it is going to affect your marriage? Or do you think that you can separate work enough from your home life that it won’t matter? There’s several different ways that job stress can impact your home life, including your marriage.

Mood

The daily grind at a job that isn’t satisfying is going to affect your mood. It’s likely to impact how you feel about getting up in the morning to go to work, how you approach the upcoming work week, and what sort of mood you are going to return home in. If you are feeling anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed, or burned out, it will impact your ability to relate to your spouse. Communication and intimacy may be impacted. Read the rest of this article »

What you think about your mate really impacts your marriage. What you say to yourself influences how you view yourself, your marriage, and the world. Learning how to recognize and monitor your self-talk can have a huge impact on your marital satisfaction and the quality of your relationship. Learning to talk to yourself in a more rational, truthful manner is an important skill.

Everyone has an internal dialogue, referred to as self-talk. This dialogue is like being the narrator in your own life. As you go about your day, your thoughts tend to try to make sense of the world that is going on around you. However, many of these thoughts tend to be negative and often inaccurate.  Read the rest of this article »

Allison is facing the death of an aging parent, pressure from work, personal health problems, and loneliness. This is all taking a toll on her in terms of increased anxiety, decreased sleep, and persistent headaches. She wonders just how long she can keep up with all the stress and the stressors coming at her at the same time. It seems overwhelming.

Living alone, after her divorce and not having the support of children or other family members, she seeks my aid, as a professional counselor, who might be able to help bring some measure of relief. She wants some rest. She wants the headaches to stop.  She wants to know she’s not going to go crazy. Read the rest of this article »

I’ve written a number of posts about helping children and adults with Asperger’s.  These are some thoughts about the high school period.

High school can be especially challenging for kids with Asperger’s Syndrome.  Like other students, an Aspie has to change classes regularly during the day and throughout the school year.  She or he can find navigating just the simple fact of going from one activity to another difficult.  Efforts should be made to minimize adjustments and to give your child a chance to take a breather. Read the rest of this article »

If Europe is on your itinerary for a second honeymoon but you prefer to pass on the major tourist towns like London, Rome, and Paris, why not ponder a destination that’s considered one of the up-and-coming hot spots on the continent?

Berlin, Germany’s capital, is becoming more and more popular with visitors to Europe. It attracts tourists with its combination of Old World pre-Wall style and charm and modern improvements, all rolled up in a package that’s more affordable than most other German cities.

Divided by the Berlin Wall for nearly 30 years, the city was long an awkward place to visit. The Wall – officially known as the “Anti-Fascist Protection Rampart” – divided the city down the middle, keeping families from one another, and become the ultimate symbol of the so-called Iron Curtain, which separated the Eastern Bloc countries from Western Europe. The day the Wall came down in 1989 was a day of rejoicing for most Germans, and Berliners have been working hard ever since to make their city a welcome place for all. Read the rest of this article »

There are problems within the marriage that are meant to be solved. Then, there are other problems that are not going to be fixed. These sorts of problems may be differences in values or beliefs, or may be personality differences. Just because these aren’t likely to change doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed.

Instead, you have choices about how you respond to these problems. You can change the way you think about them. Changing how you think about problems will change how you feel about the marriage. Learning to change the way you think can mean the difference between a happy, satisfying marriage and divorce. Changing how you think about a problem requires some extra effort, but it can drastically improve your relationship. Read the rest of this article »

Although many people who were abused as children want to leave the past in the past, it is important for your marriage that you address childhood abuse. Whether you were physically, sexually, emotionally abused or neglected, it can impact you in lots of ways if it is not dealt with. It can interfere with intimacy, forming a healthy attachment, trust, and keeping healthy boundaries.

It can be scary to deal with past trauma that you’ve tried to bury. However, counseling can help you feel safe while you address past hurts and work toward dealing with it. Counseling can help you find safe ways to deal with past abuse and assist you in improving your marriage while you address it. Read the rest of this article »